so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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