just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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