I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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