She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
