Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
