my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
