did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
