Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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