I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
