Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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