I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
that may or may not have been my penis.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
