fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
