I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
