my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
