Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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