he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I think i got beer on your cat.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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