im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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