Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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