i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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