I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Randomize
