I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
