I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
