Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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