If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
