Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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