One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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