i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
