She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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