before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Randomize