made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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