Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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