so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
