How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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