And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
