So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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