Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
