I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Randomize
