I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
