i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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