So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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