party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
