Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Randomize
