This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
