Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
