come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
