i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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