Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize