Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
