My room smells like vodka and shame
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
