the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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