I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
