Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize