My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize