If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
