I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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