Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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