last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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