I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
