are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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